On January 31, 2009, it was announced in the Washington Times that the Obama(ssiah) administration:
"... is leaning toward setting up a 'bad bank' that would buy toxic loan assets from large troubled banks such as Citigroup in a major new program that would be run by the Federal Deposit Insurance Corp. and is likely to cost at least $1 trillion. The program could be announced as early as Monday as part of a comprehensive plan to address burgeoning housing foreclosures and credit problems, said banking and federal officials familiar with the administration's deliberations."Question: How does one turn "toxic loan assets" into entities that are not "toxic?" And why should this be forcibly done at the taxpayers' expense?
Undeterred by such pedestrian (proletariat) questions, President Obama(ssiah) recently said there's "little time for bickering" over the nearly $1 trillion in payback spending he plans to initiate, to enrich ACORN, the unions who supported him, etc.
Fans of Expedio5x5 will recall that last October, one of our reporters was able to sneak inside a Democratic Party gathering, at which its leaders considered issuing a campaign promise to prosecute American Olympians who receive "windfall medals."
We at Expedio5x5 are pleased to announce that the same reporter recently interviewed a source close to Obama's advisers, who spoke on the condition of anonymity.
Via this interview, we've learned that the Obama(ssiah) administration is also quietly working with some of Hollywood's most noted film makers to craft and promote a number of other dramatic, inspired programs "to assist Americans who are left at a 'toxic' disadvantage in our struggling economy."
The programs would be designed to (a) provide the appearance of "helping those who are most in need of government intervention," and (b) enable movie directors to rapidly develop TV commercials and even feature films to promote the programs' noble aims to the general public, similarly to the WPA program during the Great Depression.
First among these initiatives is tentatively titled the "TROUBLED DIPLOMA RECRAFTING and IMPROVEMENT PROGRAM," or T-DRIP. According to Expedio5x5's source, a secret internal memo describes the purpose of the program as follows:
"T-DRIP will be established to offset the 'toxic' stigma and reduced employment opportunities among those who didn't complete high school or college, due to laziness, excessive partying, or a youthful belief in the 'I ain't gonna be exploited by da man, or our imperialist-capitalist system' subculture."Applicants would bring their expulsion notices and/or probation reports to a government office and, after an interview, emerge with the diploma or degree of their choice. The memo continues:
"To show the unwashed, exploited masses how easy it is to transform their 'toxically-low' educational status into parchments showing stellar academic achievement, several noted Hollywood stars will be filmed going through the process themselves."
The first high-profile applicant for the program is slated to be noted foreign policy expert and high school diploma-holder Sean Penn (recently profiled by Andrea Peyser at Big Hollywood), who will be given a Master's Degree in Useful Idiotology.
Says Penn: "It's true, Chávez may not be a good man. But he may well be a great one."
Penn will be followed by acclaimed jihadist-equivocator Rosie O'Donnell, who will trade in her high school diploma for a Doctorate in Cultural Subversion.
Says O'Donnell: "Radical Christianity is just as threatening as radical Islam in a country like America."
According to our source, other programs under consideration at the highest levels of the Obama(ssiah) administration include:
THE "MARXIST LARDASSES-IN-MOVIES PROGRAM" (M-LIMP)
The federal government would establish a $100 billion fund for distribution exclusively among morbidly obese, Marx-inspired moviemakers, who aspire to be anti-American propaganda producers like Michael Moore. Our source quoted the Obama(ssiah) as telling his senior advisors:
"We all know how vital movies are to fooling Americans into supporting our complete takeover of the economy. Michael Moore has been critical in this effort, but he can't do it all on his own.
"From coast to coast, there are fat-ass dropout Marxists with camcorders that we can and will enlist to make the next generation of Moore-like flicks and mini-flicks. Our M-LIMP program (stop that giggling!) will provide them with the massive funding they need to get their collectivist schlock from their sweaty brows to the silver screen. Yes, people, we can!"
"WHO'S MY BABY'S DADDY?"
The federal government plans to fund and co-produce a daytime talk show that would be a hybrid of "Maury" and "Match Game."
Women suffering from the "toxic" stigma of having become convinced that unprotected sex with random "cute guys" at keg parties would be the ticket to an easy, subsidized life --- with housing, food, educational benefits, health care and more --- would try to match their babies' DNA to that of their various one-night stands.
According to a secret internal Obama(ssiah) administration memo:
"The show would be co-hosted by former Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders and noted political analyst Roseanne Barr (a charter T-DRIP participant).
"In addition to continued government subsidies for their basic needs, those contestants who can tolerate the other-worldly screeches of the two hosts, and go on to score the most "matches," will get to live in the penthouse apartments or mansions seized from (evil) capitalists who speak out against any Obama(ssiah) administration social initiatives. Contestants who match all their babies' DNA to the sources would also score a bonus prize: having those treasonous capitalists serve as their personal assistants --- for five years --- as an alternative to their serving out their sentences in Gitmo."
Inside-the-Beltway speculation is that Brian de Palma, director of the spectacular U.S. military-assailing flop, "Redacted," will be tapped to head the new office that the Obama(ssiah) will create, to oversee these "anti-toxicity" initiatives.
Tentatively titled the Office of Cultured Hollywood Uber-Marxist Propagandists & Subversives (O-CHUMPS), de Palma reportedly has indicated his willingness to serve in this role:
"There are many worthy figures in Hollywood that President Obama(ssiah) could choose to head this distinctive and powerful new means of vilifying American before the world --- while emboldening and morally justifying those who are sworn to destroy us. I'm just honored to be in consideration, and pledge that if selected, I will do my utmost to advance global disdain for America, for freedom --- and, as is my new specialty, for our military."
Stay tuned to Expedio5x5 for updates to this fascinating story, and the Obama(ssiah) administration's attempts to transform America from a quasi-free, quasi-capitalist culture into a near-socialist, fascism-driven welfare state --- in which entities described as "toxic" are magically transformed into value-rich assets, from which all will benefit.
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