Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Democrats To Enact Legislation To Stop U.S. "Windfall Athletic Awards"

An Expedio5x5 reporter clandestinely attended a recent Obama fundraiser in San Francisco, and files the following exclusive report, concerning comments made by Sen. Obama (aka The Messiah™), Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Majority Leader Harry Reid, which they incorrectly believed were off-the-record.


The first part of their comments dealt with their commitment to transform America from a free society into a socialist one, and to force all of our citizens to atone for what they contend are America's innumerable, global sins.

Obama, Pelosi and Reid discussed the agenda they would pursue, should the Democrats achieve control of all three branches of government in the November elections. First, they agreed, they would immediately begin investigations and pursuing legislation to stop American athletes from ever again winning too many awards for their performances.

The first target for the
ir investigations will be swimmer Michael Phelps, whom they allege unfairly received a “windfall” of gold medals at the Beijing Olympics.

According to Speaker Pelosi:
“It is our obligation, as public servants, to determine the truth. Is it fair that Mr. Phelps received gold medals in each event in which he competed? Does he not have a social obligation to share his good fortune with those who are less-able, or who have been rendered mentally, physically, pharmacologically, occupationally, spiritually or psychologically disabled?”
Sen. Reid continued this accusatory theme:
“How was he (Phelps) able to win every gold medal he sought, while others won so few – or none? And what does his selfish, greedy pursuit of such an excessive amount of materialistic recognition do to other nations’ view of America?”
Sen. Obama (aka The Messiah™) then added:
“Can Mr. Phelps not see that, in order to foster a more equitable playing field among nations, he has a moral obligation to ‘give back’ some of his medals to his less-competitive, less-driven, less-motivated rivals, so that their self-esteem will not suffer such a devastating blow? How can Mr. Phelps possibly believe that he is doing America a service by hoarding gold medals that, in reality, belong to the entire 'family of nations'?”
After receiving thunderous applause from the wealthy contributors, Hollywood icons, social activists and journalists in the audience, Obama, Reid and Pelosi agreed that the time has come to enact laws that will prevent any American Olympian from winning such “windfall medals” in the future.

In his closing remarks, Obama said:
“Earlier in my campaign, when I said I want to create 'a kingdom here on Earth', I meant it. Of course, I also meant that I will be the king --- and as such, it will be my responsibility to enact a new, collectivist moral code, here on Earth.

"While we all admire Mr. Phelps for his superior abilities, and for his many years of dedicated effort to pursuing his goal of Olympic excellence, the days of Americans winning anything in free, fair and open competition must come to an end.

"If we are to get along in this world, and rebuild America’s image, we must eliminate even the possibility that any individual can receive such excessive accolades and recognition --- especially when so many among us are suffering from what the Bush-Cheney-Halliburton-ExxonMobil administration has done to them. We must act, decisively, starting now. And initiating a comprehensive investigation into allegations that Mr. Phelps’ unfairly received a ‘windfall’ of Olympic medals will be as good as any place to start.

"Therefore, after I am elected, I will appoint a blue-ribbon... er, I mean, red-ribbon task force to craft the legislative initiatives that will prevent such outrages from occurring in the future. And on a bipartisan basis, I will also seek to enact strict punishments for any athlete who thinks that ability alone shall determine who's a 'winner' in our new society.”

More to follow in this developing story, comrades (and comradettes).

Original material is © Copyright 2008 by Expedio, and
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